Old-self

I know, someday i will loss all the things i had today. Like, it will comes a time where i no longer can talk what i want to, no longer can put the pens on to write whatever i wish to, no longer can say hi to everyone like i always do.

I understand the purpose of living. To live as a subject of Allah and addeen. I know,whatever i had today someday it will all gone. Nothing left. But surely, i want to do something that literally will attach myself to forever pahala-chain. I wish this old-plain blog will somehow build someone else inner strong. Moga moga-

Its being another year this blog 'survive' with me, through ups and down. Im not good in writing but in my other half of genes,i llove to write things. More than i adore eating. Something inside me wants me to put things down because i enjoyed the moment i read back all the things i wrote, a things that no one can help me to laugh and cry into, not sure when was the first day i registered this blog,later i gonna check it up and celebrate its birthday every year (See how melancholy i am)

There's too much things i belong here. And this is the only place where i freely flee run my thoughts (beside the diary). This was once a place i rejuvanate myself on how devastated i was. It was too idiotic back then. And right now, i'm here without any intention to increase followers or added another ads to gain some money, but i'm here to pour every single thought and memories into words.

This few days, i'm not feeling good about myself. I took a longer time at night before sleep thinking how i have change too much. I never assume i am a pious woman who walk into His path solemnly, just that i cannot brain why i can't be the old me who enjoyed waking up for tahajjud. Am the sinner but who are me to judge myself to walk out from those pathetic self?

I know. Too much mess to understand. Too much broken to be fix.
Me too neither can understand what i'm going to sell here.

Only Him knows what it feels when i no longer can step out awake for myself.

Allahu, why i was feeling so devastated right now?😭

Syawal 30 1438H

Gate C

Sultan Mahmood airport, departure hall

1612H

Again. The flight was delayed. But then  it was okay for me since im not rushing to go back for work. I was writing this while my heart was feeling too hard to leave. Wishing to stay for another two or three weeks or maybe months. 

This eid. I was changing my status. Now i'm no longer a queen for myself. I no longer can seat peacefully eating kacang or nasi bungkus since i have to learn on how to do the  housechores( tho i already a professional i still have to learn😝) to cook ( this one really can kills me😂) and everything for my new chapter of life. Maybe silat or taekwando can also listed😂. Seriously i wasnt ready enough but after all, this is every woman dreams. Aint?

In engagement-

Now im wearing the responsibilities to take care of this relationship. And i had read a few articles regarding engagement and sort. So here some of my point of view. My 2 cents on what i feel.

1/ i was really damn (sorry) nervous to start my life with you, but i also can't wait for that day. Not sure why its feel so cheesy inside but then i really feel like there's a storm inside my stomach. Butterfly no longer can live inside😂

2/ Hoping for me to a better woman for you. So i can be the woman who you once and forever in love with. A pious wife which never say no to whatever say you. Like, jom panjat gunung weekend ni! And i willing to wholeheartedly say yes without hesitation😂 

3/ May we both can accept each other flaws as well as we accept each other beauty. May i be the one who will wake you up for fajr though i was sleeping late at 3am. And the table return. Because the power of qiam is forever be the odds that no one ever know❤️ Is this is a can or cannot? Sure lah can kan!❤️

4/ May we both can go through every struggles patiently and will never break each other. We should always love each other, aint?🙈

Okay enough with four points. Dont have any idea to write more.
And so,happy engagement you and me❤️

Hari kita

30-jun- 2017

Lama juga kita bersabar, berselisih faham, berdiam diri. Rupanya dalam segala macam perkara, ada sesuatu yang Tuhan sedang rencanakan. Allahu.

Tigapuluhenamduakosongtujuhbelas

Tarikh kita. Pertama kali engkau menjejakkan kaki ke teratak buruk aku. Pertama kali engkau bertemu darah dan dagingku. Debarnya bukan biasa biasa. Hingga terlupa aku akan pin di tudungku.

Jumaat kita. Engkau sudi menghulur janji. Pinangkan aku dengan ikhlas demi Lillah. Mahu sahaja aku menjerit mengatakan terima kasih. Tapi suara itu cuma bergema di hati. Terlalu segan bercampur syukur. 

6 syawal kita. Cincin di jari tersarung molek. Menjadi tanda aku ini empunya orang. Tertutup sudah jalan insan lain. Selagi tali ini kita jaga, kita pelihara dengan penuh rindu, dengan izin Tuhan kekal lah ia hingga saat kita diijabkabul.

 Semoga hubungan ini kita bina dengan Allah menjadi akarnya, agar nanti segarlah bunga dan daunannya dengan cinta yang tulus dan kasih yang ikhlas. 

Aku kini bukan lagi anak kecil. Maka, harus bagimu menasihatiku dengan cara yang hikmah. Kerana sifatku sendiri ini maha kusut untuk difahami. Hingga aku sendiri terkadang tidak mengerti. Sayanglah aku berpada agar tidak terjejas cintamu pada Tuhan.

Cinta aku pada kamu, mungkin terlihat bisu tanpa lolongan dan pekikan. Tapi ketahuilah, cinta ini di antara tangga tangga aku untuk mencari redha Allah, maka engkau istimewa bagiku. Seperti istimewanya rencana yang sedang diatur Tuhan.

Semoga, kita selalu sabar. Dan tidak berhenti memanjat doa. Agar nanti, doa doa ini menjadi rantaian hingga ke langit sana❤️

Syahira.

2 julai 17

0206H